Tuesday, May 22, 2007

No Swimming After All

Warning: Gross post about female bodily functions ahead.

Well, the best of intentions got waylaid.

Swimming didn't get canceled because we chickened out. It didn't get canceled because we decided we were too fat to go. It was canceled because of The Kid. We were all ready to head out the door in our swimsuits, with our towels in hand when The Kid says, "but what do I do about my period?"

Crap.

Her period started last week, so I thought she was done with it already. Had I known she was still in the middle of things, so to speak, I wouldn't have suggested swimming in the first place. She's been getting her period for about a year now, so I figured now was the time for her to learn menstrual lesson #2: how to use a tampon. Off to the bathroom I went, where I dug in the cabinet for supplies. I pulled out a box of Tampax, removed one from the box, and unwrapped it. I showed her (using my left hand to form a pseudo vagina) how to insert it, and where the string should end up. After that demonstration, we got online and I showed her pictures of a woman's vulva to explain exactly where the "right" hole is located. After that, we went to the Tampax Web site, and viewed the handy dandy Tampax instructions and video.

Sadly, The Kid couldn't figure out how to insert the tampon, which in turn canceled our swim plans.

I'm trying to be sympathetic, because I do remember how hard inserting a tampon was the first time. I had to figure it out on my own, because my mother never used them, and I wanted to go swimming with friends. It was do or die, and I sat on the toilet cursing while I poked around at my unmentionable bits trying to shove that funny little tube literally where the sun don't shine. Eventually, I figured it out, and went happily to the swimming pool, after half a box of aborted attempts ended up in the trash can.

I am trying to be sympathetic, but frankly I'm a little annoyed. The Kid has been a huge baby about her period from the very start. She's somehow got it in her mind that she's not going to grow up, and if she wishes hard enough, the whole thing will go away.

"Just stuff it in there and let's go," I wanted to tell her. Instead, I pretended to be sympathetic and supportive.

No swimming tonight.

1 comment:

Lady T said...

lol!!! i "hopped" here from the weight loss sight and i must admit that this post has me tickeled to death!

good for you for putting up a good front..i like you had to figure it out for myself...my mom never gave me any instruction and my grandmother simply told me that i had to use one to go swimming...my first time was pretty difficult too....in fact in took a few periods to get it right. she'll figure it out eventually.

as for our weight issues...i'm with you...i have struggled with weight since i was a child. i am currently well into obese and strive to lose 100 lbs overall...i plan to move forward in 10 lbs increments. i'll be checking in with you...congrats on those 4 lbs..thats a great week!