Wednesday, May 23, 2007

Here Kitty, Kitty, Kitty...

Since I know I have readers of varying backgrounds, and I try not to be deliberately offensive, I figure if I'm going to talk about something that's borderline in the tastefulness department, it's only fair I give warning to people who might find a post objectionable.

Consider yourself so warned.

This is something that I've been thinking about for a while, but haven't really articulated it to anyone because, well, it's just not the thing you talk about in polite company.

I know a lot of dieters complain that they can't see their feet. Well, I can't see my feet either if I stand straight up and look straight down. My stomach blocks the view better than my kid standing in front of the evening news, so I can only examine my feet if I sit down, and hoist one up into my lap.

So here's how my regular examinations go: First, I sit down. Hup! Foot is in my lap. One, two, three, four, five. Yup, all my toes are there. I should probably clip my right toenail because it's a little long, but otherwise everything is okay. Now, check the other side. Hup! One, two, three, three and a half (oops, toe jam, flick) four, five. Check. Everything is normal there. Sniff. No smell. Good. Now that I've had a happy visit with my ten toes, I don't have to worry about them for a while. Everybody is clean, happy and wiggly.

Great.

So I can pretty much examine all parts of my body. I can look down and see my front, I can stand in the mirror and see my back (frightening though my butt may be) and of course I can see my face, my hair and my hands. That's all good. I can see everything, except for one thing.

What part is that you ask?

Well, it's that place below my...

Bonk!

I just paused in my blog entry to look down to see my next door neighbor's cat, Oscar the Orange, rubbing himself on my ankles. Apparently he's managed to sneak into our house again. "Meow," he says amicably to everyone.

I have to kick him out because my SO is allergic. "Bad puddy!" I scold him as I gently toss him out the back door.

Okay, now where was I?

Oh yeah. Body parts. The ones I can't see.

Well I'm sure by Oscar's appearance, you can figure out what body part I'm talking about.

"Meow!" Oscar is offended and scratching at the door.

So my fat rant for the day is this: I am getting really tired of having to lift my big fat stomach out of the way to pay a visit to my undercarriage. What's weird is that my stomach never seemed to be in my way, and then all of a sudden, there it was. When I stand in front of a mirror with nothing but my underpants on, my stomach obscures the entire view. Unless I look beforehand, or turn around and aim my bum to the mirror, I'd never be able to guess what color underwear I am wearing.

I'm tired of having to hoist my gut up out of the way to wash, and I'm tired of the skin irritation caused by the bottom of my stomach rubbing on the top of my...

"Fur!" my SO just exclaimed. I guess Oscar left his calling card. "Achoo!"

I wonder how much weight I'll have to lose before this annoying problem goes away.

"Meow!"

No, not you, Oscar...

2 comments:

jodi said...

ha, great post... about oscar that is... ;o)

thanks for stopping by, i'll add you to my daily reads... :o)

Lady T said...

lol! you tickle me...

thanks for all the comments on my blog. kudos to you for wading through the sometimes too long post about nothing spectacular in particular. (pleased)

i have considered giving my time to charity in place of my tithes...so i gotcha there..and i soo agree that talk is cheap...yet another reason for me not to jump ship and move 12 hours away from all that i know. i repeat this mantra to my heart each time it gets confused..as well as when i am trying to determine what new career to pursue. thanks for the reality check though...when my small voice gets too dim to hear, i need common sense talkers such as you to bring me back to reality. ;)

i have considered a new bank...but forgot about it until you mentioned it...i should look back into that....considering BOA.

as for your..."nethers'....you should see them soon enough with all the hard work you're putting in. *wink*

me? i've got my boobs in the way...anything below the chest and i have to HEAVE a large bosom out the way for me to view....but i am thankful for the large bosoms....they keep me looking curvy and not like a fridgedair box....a big curvy cow....lol! ahhh, such is life.