Thursday, July 12, 2007

Ongoing Struggles

This week has been a real struggle.

It's not been a struggle as far as my weight-loss efforts. I've actually been pretty good since we've been back. Although I miss my beer, fry bread, and pancake breakfasts, I've been very good about sticking to my food plan, and not over-indulging.

In fact, I've been downright good.

The struggle I'm wrestling with is with my motivation and attitude in general. I don't want to get out of bed in the morning, I don't want to work, and I don't have much patience for The Kid. I've been back at work for a week, and I've accomplished almost nothing. I've just stared at the computer screen for hours, watching the cursor blink. Other than blogging, I've barely been able to find the energy to press a key.

The further away I get from my vacation, the more I realize what a bad idea it was. I never should have gone anywhere. I should have stayed home, kept working, and kept doing what I was doing. If I hadn't gone, I wouldn't be sitting here knowing that there's a better world out there, but I'm stuck at my desk doing a job I dislike because I have "responsibilities."

Coming back from vacation has been like the transition at the end of the movie The Wizard of Oz. Nearly the whole film is in color, and at the end it switches back to black and white. I'm feeling like I've experienced a moment of life in Technicolor, and it's very hard to go back to the monochrome existence that is my life.

The worst of it is that I feel so trapped. I feel like there's little I can do to get out of my current situation. I can't sell my house because the real estate market is in a slump, and I can't change jobs because I have no professional abilities outside my career field. Changing jobs won't fix the problem, because I am sick and tired of the kind of work that I do. I have no money to go back to school, and even if I did, I don't have the time because of my professional obligations. I have a family to support, The Kid to feed, and animals for which I have to provide. Even my diet feels like a black mark on my life. My small victory at the scale feels empty, and I've realized that unless I can find a job that would either require or give me time to be much more active, I will be resigned to a life of being hungry all the time.

I can't think of a time where I've felt more negative about my life. Although I've been through very tough times in the past, those times were made easier by the fact that there was a clear path out of the mire. This time, though, I feel like there's really no solution. I have to live up to my responsibilities. I have a mortgage and bills to pay, and I can't exactly walk away from my life and do something else.



FatBlokeThin said...

Hi Oink,

I am really sorry to read your post. Sorry that you are in a very deep dark place at the moment.

I have no answers other than encouragement I'm afraid...

I know how you are feeling (not in any patronising 'day time TV' way) - I have been EXACTLY in your situation in the past and it is a long dark tunnel but there really is light at the end of it. HONESTLY.

Positive thought is a wonderful thing (if you have got it) - focus on the good things in life, and before you say it, EVERYONE has something good in their lives, even if it is just a favourite TV show to escape into!!

I really wih I could appear by magic on your doorstep and give you a hug and help you through this but I am not a time traveller (and I don't have a stealth fighter in the garage!!).

This is the time to focus on things you can change and blank out the things you can't.

Concentrate on the things in your power to control - your food intake, your mental outlook and forget the rest for now.

I hope this helps - it's not much but it is all I have!

I wish you luck and hope you find peace soon.

Jojo said...

Is it possible that you are a bit depressed? I do know exactly how you feel. I was completly out of sorts after a short holiday in February. Tooks week sto get back on track. Maybe taking a few aspects of your vacation and trying to incorporate them into your daily routine. Also, add some exercise to your daily routine for a while, that might help too.
Hugs, and keep posting, we are here! jojo

Lady T said...

oink.....sorry i'm late.....but i'm here....late and all....

like fatblokethin, i understand the dark place....been there...a few times (i seem to be depression prone) and what i've discovered...thru faith and also through life in general is that happiness is a CHOICE.

True happiness does not come from outside circumstances, but from within...bc there are people who have "perfect" circumstances who arent happy....yet people in dead in jobs who are on the line of poverty can be happy.

you have to decide to be happy....and when you do, when you make that conscious decision to choose happiness DESPITE your circumstances, that's when the cloud lifts. the air gets easier to breath and you can continue on like you know you should......

Excercise helps to lift the cloud too....if you can't CHOOSE happiness just yet, getting up and moving your butt will help. seriously, i've done it before...a few times.

i know you are exhausted after work...but thats something that you will have to push might have to push through it every time...check out Walmart and pick up some exercise dvd's...try belly dancing, kickboxing, Pilates (warning: very difficult!), strip teasing, line dancing, hip hop aerobics, whatever!

whateva it takes to get up and off your butt.....bc that will make a difference. sitting down and wallowing in it makes it darker...i know. and then you want to give up.

its not easy for us, oink. i know...its hard. maybe too hard. and it aint fair. but it is what it we have to push thru. use the blog to vent...get out all the dark stuff....and then work on getting better.

It's a choice.

Shelly Kneupper Tucker said...

Hi Oink,
Nigel (aka FatBloke, but I don't like to call him that) sent me over here. I just want you to know you aren't alone. You've got people who don't even know you who care about you.
The others have said what I would tell you. Step away from your computer and take a will help. Try to think positively, I know that sounds stupid right now. Maybe make a list of all of the goodthings about your life. There are good things.
You "feel stuck" right now, and everyone has felt that same way at one time or another. I know that I have. Don't give up. And, realize that we often have a tendency to want things we don't have. The grass is not always greener on the other side of that fence.
Talk to friends. Focus on the good. Continue to eat in a healthy way, get enough sleep and exercise.
But, if you still have that dark mood, don't hesitate to get to a doctor. Depression is a serious matter.
Like Nigel, I wish I could come give you a big hug.
This Eclectic Life

Robin said...

Dear fellow sojourner,
This is more than post vacation blues. I think you have a serious issue of depression and I would urge, beg, and plead with you to see your doctor very soon. Sometimes these things can be fixed up very quickly - at least make you feel better and more positive so you are then able to deal with the real issues in a realistic manner. Honey, this sounds serious to me. There are many who care for you and are praying for you to get better. Please call your doctor and at least discuss it. The sun can shine again for you - but you have to take some steps forward.

Sunny said...

Sorry you are feeling so down. I don't have much to add here that hasn't already been said...just wanted to add my hugs and support.

It's true - happiness is an attitude, it's not something that happens to you, it's something you create. I think about all those little children in Africa...they have nothing...nothing to eat, nothing to drink, nothing to wear...and yet have you ever seen a bigger smile? Those smiles light up the world! What do they have to be happy about? It's all in the attitude - they choose to be happy and have fun and celebrate life despite their circumstances.

I hope you choose happiness. Find something to smile about, find something that lights up your world and makes you happy. You've come such a long way already - I can't wait to see where you go from here and the happiness you find along the way.

Lady Rose said...

I know I don't you personally, but I can relate to your feelings of depression and "being trapped". I have been there many times myself.

Please know that I am sincere in my offer to lend an ear or a shoulder if you need to vent a bit.

What I do at times like this -- sometimes it takes dragging one's self kicking and screaming away from the negative spiral of thinking. I look at it as "lovingly reparenting myself" -- how would I help my daughter feel better and then apply those principles to myself. Find ways to sooth yourself - bubble baths, long walks, listening to music, little mini vacations in your mind to reduce stress.

I try not to force myself to feel good - but rather create time and space to allow myself to look away from the negative and enjoy the moment and step in to peace and joy.

Finding purpose also helps me - I work in a deadend cubicle office job -- but I "know" I am contributing to something bigger - I am creating a life for my daughter, I can help others in small ways and paying my dues at the office make that possible -- I also try to smile a bit at work and help others around me -- they often feel trapped too and stressed -- it's amazing how finding a way to make a joke or two and vent a little and share a smile helps the whole office feel a bit better.

If you find you can't beat this alone, don't hestiate to reach out to others, see a doctor, take care of you.

wishing you health and happiness, Lady Rose