Swimmer's Butt

While The Wife and I were on our honeymoon, I discovered a Very Bad Thing.

Swimming, at least for now, is a bad idea.

It's not that I can't swim. I can. In fact, I used to be on my high school swim team. Beneath all the layers of blubber lie muscle memories of how to do a variety of strokes, including the butterfly.

There's only one problem with swimming -- my fat ass.

You see, as I've put on weight, the majority of it has accumulated on my butt, thighs and stomach. When I swim, it's like I've shoved a beach ball down in my pants. My ass floats high, which in turn forces my face deep under water.

I can't do the breast stroke because my face is submerged far too low to correctly breathe. When I bring my head up for air, I have to force my blubber butt under the water which in turn makes my lower back hurt. I can't do the crawl for the same reason. The backstroke is equally a disaster, because my face gets pushed under water. Sidestroke is hard, too, because once again my lard-filled behind wants to do what fat does on water. It floats.

I guess the good news is that if I fell off an ocean liner into the drink I'd float around forever until someone picked me up, or I drowned from my butt shoving my face into the deep. At least they'd be able to find my body, since there's no way all that fat could possibly sink.