Monday, August 20, 2012

A Pound From My Low

This morning I stepped on the scale and discovered that I was a pound away from the lowest weight I can remember recording on this blog.  It made me happy to see that number, but I was a little disappointed I didn't see the lowest number.

Maybe that will happen later in the week.  It would be nice.

I've been eating precious little of late because my appetite has been off.  I know some folks tend to drown themselves in food when they are stressed.  If I'm slightly stressed, I'll admit to having the urge to munch.  If I'm really stressed, my insides just curl up and rebel at the thought of food.  It doesn't matter if I'm feeling genuinely hungry, my stomach rolls up into a ball and gets queasy at the idea of having to digest something.

I suppose it's bad for my overall health, but great for the diet.

This morning it took me over 30 minutes to choke down a bowl of yogurt decorated with a handful of blueberries and raspberries.

What's wrong with me?  Normally I love this breakfast.

I guess the truth is that it's all stress generated by the thought of my upcoming divorce.

Now The Wife has backed down from her earlier deadline.  She had said she would give things until the end of the year.  Now, we've worked out an agreement to where we'll stay together the remaining year and a bit until The Kid turns 18.  That will certainly make things easier, as divorce with minor children involved gets very complicated.  This way, we'll be able to write our own divorce settlement and get the entire thing out of the way as quickly and cheaply as possible.

The Wife also says she's willing to work on things, but I am not sure it's possible.  I think we've reached an epistemological abyss that cannot be bridged.  It's not that The Wife is a bad person.  It's not that I'm a bad person.  It's just that we are disagreeing on some pretty fundamental issues, and finding that there aren't positions of compromise.

Basically it boils down to the fact that The Wife wants to do x, where x is something to which I have some pretty significant moral objections.  I don't want x in my life, and she does, and there really isn't a way to meet in the middle.

Now I should point out that x isn't anything illegal.  Perhaps if I were a better person, I wouldn't object to it.  However, it's something that makes me feel emotionally and physically unsafe, and I don't want it in my life.  The Wife does.

Of course x isn't the only problem in our relationship.  There are a great many others, including an absolute lack of a sex life.  In years past, it didn't matter, because my hypothyroidism had so completely squelched my sex drive.  Now I'm interested, but I don't have a partner who is all that willing.

I don't want a divorce.  Unfortunately, I also don't see any alternatives.

I suppose in my mind I am becoming more accepting of the idea of ultimately going our separate ways. A few days ago, I found myself drawn to several online (free) dating sites, where I scanned the personal ads.  I didn't sign up for an account, and I didn't respond to anyone, but I did see a profile of one man that made my heart go pitter-patter for a moment.

I had to remind myself that I am not single, I am not free to date, and if I'm meant to be with any particular man, he'll still be single and I'll find him in a year and a half from now.  I somewhat reluctantly closed my browser window.  I found myself looking for the same man again this morning, but I didn't find his profile before I was asked to sign up.

I'm not signing up on a dating site until I really am single.  Still, my libido-gone-into-hyperdrive has had me fantasizing about a new boyfriend/lover almost non-stop for days.

When I was younger, I never understood why people cheated on their spouses.  I thought they were scummy, weak-willed people with an equal measure of no morals and no sense of decency.

Now, though I still think infidelity is still absolutely wrong, I understand why some people are driven to cheat.  The absolute loneliness and despair I feel in my marriage right now is overwhelming.

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