Six Years Gone By

Yesterday, I decided to resurrect my blog.  It's been about six years since I've regularly posted.

Last night, I went back and re-read the whole thing.  I guess I should re-start by posting some updates:

• The Kid turned 18, dropped out of school, and immediately returned to her biological family.
• My divorce with The Ex was finalized.
• I found a new boyfriend.  We met online in December of 2012, but didn't become an official couple until 2013.  Going forward, he will be referred to as "The Boyfriend" in the blog.
• The Kid, who is unmarried, has since had two kids.  One of them tested positive for drugs at birth and has been taken away by Child Welfare Services.  CWS contacted me about nine months ago and asked me if I wanted to take custody of the child.  I said no*.  
• I was reunited with an old and very dear friend.  He and I lost touch back in 2005.  Coincidentally, I found him just as his long-term girlfriend was kicking him out.  He's been bunking with The Boyfriend and me for about a year.  He's the reason I learned to play guitar.  I'll call him "Guitar Buddy" for now.

Some other things worth noting:

• Getting divorced wasn't so bad.  I discovered, after The Ex and The Kid were gone, that The Ex had an enormous spending problem.  Once our finances were separate, I suddenly had a lot more money.  Remember how I was always complaining we were broke?  A significant portion of that was because of The Ex's financial infidelity.
• I was able to refinance (and keep) the house that The Ex didn't want.
• I was able to pay off the vehicle loan, and credit card debt.
• Despite my profound fears about losing my job, I didn't.  I'm still working for the same company.  While the job is still super-demanding, I've pushed back somewhat, received a raise, and the demands on my time are less unreasonable.
• Dr. Howard's Success Diet is much tastier than the U.S. version of The Cambridge diet.  While some of the flavors aren't to my liking, I'm not finding their worst to be as gag-worthy as Cambridge strawberry.  Of course I'm only beginning Day 3 of sole source.  Ask me in a week what I think of the stuff.

* I said no to taking custody of The Kid's child because I am 53 years old, and I need to spend the next 20 years focusing on planning for my retirement, not raising a grandchild.  We (The Ex and I) struggled enormously with The Kid's social, intellectual, and behavioral challenges that stemmed from her biological mother's use of drugs and alcohol while she was pregnant.  I know I do not have the time, energy or strength for a second round of, especially since I never wanted to raise an infant.

Sometimes, when it comes to troubled adult children, you have to know when to step back and not get involved.  At the end of the day, I care about The Kid, and wish she was making better choices, but I also realize I am powerless to change what she is doing.  I'm not going to throw myself into the fire again.

In this case, the most loving thing I can do for myself, The Kid, and The Kid's Kid, is to allow someone else to take over.  I hope they have the time, money, energy, and desire to do the job right.

A Pound From My Low

This morning I stepped on the scale and discovered that I was a pound away from the lowest weight I can remember recording on this blog.  It made me happy to see that number, but I was a little disappointed I didn't see the lowest number.

Maybe that will happen later in the week.  It would be nice.

I've been eating precious little of late because my appetite has been off.  I know some folks tend to drown themselves in food when they are stressed.  If I'm slightly stressed, I'll admit to having the urge to munch.  If I'm really stressed, my insides just curl up and rebel at the thought of food.  It doesn't matter if I'm feeling genuinely hungry, my stomach rolls up into a ball and gets queasy at the idea of having to digest something.

I suppose it's bad for my overall health, but great for the diet.

This morning it took me over 30 minutes to choke down a bowl of yogurt decorated with a handful of blueberries and raspberries.

What's wrong with me?  Normally I love this breakfast.

I guess the truth is that it's all stress generated by the thought of my upcoming divorce.

Now The Wife has backed down from her earlier deadline.  She had said she would give things until the end of the year.  Now, we've worked out an agreement to where we'll stay together the remaining year and a bit until The Kid turns 18.  That will certainly make things easier, as divorce with minor children involved gets very complicated.  This way, we'll be able to write our own divorce settlement and get the entire thing out of the way as quickly and cheaply as possible.

The Wife also says she's willing to work on things, but I am not sure it's possible.  I think we've reached an epistemological abyss that cannot be bridged.  It's not that The Wife is a bad person.  It's not that I'm a bad person.  It's just that we are disagreeing on some pretty fundamental issues, and finding that there aren't positions of compromise.

Basically it boils down to the fact that The Wife wants to do x, where x is something to which I have some pretty significant moral objections.  I don't want x in my life, and she does, and there really isn't a way to meet in the middle.

Now I should point out that x isn't anything illegal.  Perhaps if I were a better person, I wouldn't object to it.  However, it's something that makes me feel emotionally and physically unsafe, and I don't want it in my life.  The Wife does.

Of course x isn't the only problem in our relationship.  There are a great many others, including an absolute lack of a sex life.  In years past, it didn't matter, because my hypothyroidism had so completely squelched my sex drive.  Now I'm interested, but I don't have a partner who is all that willing.

I don't want a divorce.  Unfortunately, I also don't see any alternatives.

I suppose in my mind I am becoming more accepting of the idea of ultimately going our separate ways. A few days ago, I found myself drawn to several online (free) dating sites, where I scanned the personal ads.  I didn't sign up for an account, and I didn't respond to anyone, but I did see a profile of one man that made my heart go pitter-patter for a moment.

I had to remind myself that I am not single, I am not free to date, and if I'm meant to be with any particular man, he'll still be single and I'll find him in a year and a half from now.  I somewhat reluctantly closed my browser window.  I found myself looking for the same man again this morning, but I didn't find his profile before I was asked to sign up.

I'm not signing up on a dating site until I really am single.  Still, my libido-gone-into-hyperdrive has had me fantasizing about a new boyfriend/lover almost non-stop for days.

When I was younger, I never understood why people cheated on their spouses.  I thought they were scummy, weak-willed people with an equal measure of no morals and no sense of decency.

Now, though I still think infidelity is still absolutely wrong, I understand why some people are driven to cheat.  The absolute loneliness and despair I feel in my marriage right now is overwhelming.