Six Years Gone By

Yesterday, I decided to resurrect my blog.  It's been about six years since I've regularly posted.

Last night, I went back and re-read the whole thing.  I guess I should re-start by posting some updates:

• The Kid turned 18, dropped out of school, and immediately returned to her biological family.
• My divorce with The Ex was finalized.
• I found a new boyfriend.  We met online in December of 2012, but didn't become an official couple until 2013.  Going forward, he will be referred to as "The Boyfriend" in the blog.
• The Kid, who is unmarried, has since had two kids.  One of them tested positive for drugs at birth and has been taken away by Child Welfare Services.  CWS contacted me about nine months ago and asked me if I wanted to take custody of the child.  I said no*.  
• I was reunited with an old and very dear friend.  He and I lost touch back in 2005.  Coincidentally, I found him just as his long-term girlfriend was kicking him out.  He's been bunking with The Boyfriend and me for about a year.  He's the reason I learned to play guitar.  I'll call him "Guitar Buddy" for now.

Some other things worth noting:

• Getting divorced wasn't so bad.  I discovered, after The Ex and The Kid were gone, that The Ex had an enormous spending problem.  Once our finances were separate, I suddenly had a lot more money.  Remember how I was always complaining we were broke?  A significant portion of that was because of The Ex's financial infidelity.
• I was able to refinance (and keep) the house that The Ex didn't want.
• I was able to pay off the vehicle loan, and credit card debt.
• Despite my profound fears about losing my job, I didn't.  I'm still working for the same company.  While the job is still super-demanding, I've pushed back somewhat, received a raise, and the demands on my time are less unreasonable.
• Dr. Howard's Success Diet is much tastier than the U.S. version of The Cambridge diet.  While some of the flavors aren't to my liking, I'm not finding their worst to be as gag-worthy as Cambridge strawberry.  Of course I'm only beginning Day 3 of sole source.  Ask me in a week what I think of the stuff.

* I said no to taking custody of The Kid's child because I am 53 years old, and I need to spend the next 20 years focusing on planning for my retirement, not raising a grandchild.  We (The Ex and I) struggled enormously with The Kid's social, intellectual, and behavioral challenges that stemmed from her biological mother's use of drugs and alcohol while she was pregnant.  I know I do not have the time, energy or strength for a second round of, especially since I never wanted to raise an infant.

Sometimes, when it comes to troubled adult children, you have to know when to step back and not get involved.  At the end of the day, I care about The Kid, and wish she was making better choices, but I also realize I am powerless to change what she is doing.  I'm not going to throw myself into the fire again.

In this case, the most loving thing I can do for myself, The Kid, and The Kid's Kid, is to allow someone else to take over.  I hope they have the time, money, energy, and desire to do the job right.

It's the Little Things that Really Hurt

Although the STBX and I do fight, and sometimes quite a lot, I find that it's not the big blow-ups that really hurt.  Now I'll be the first one to say that I don't like living in a situation where screaming arguments bubble up like a volcano in the middle of our living room.  However, it's not the really huge fights that seem to really hurt.

Big fights tend to clear the air.  Pooled resentments are vented and issues are addressed head-on.  I don't like the fight, but sometimes I feel better afterward.

What hurts more than a fight are the tiny, ego-crushing moments that happen on a daily basis.  These are the things that sting.  These are the things that do more damage to my psyche and to the relationship than anything else.

Today's ego-crushing moment:

In addition to my day job, I am also a writer.  One of the few things left that is still good with The STBX is my writing.  When I finish a piece, I'll share it, and The STBX will give me feedback.  Even when we are fighting, even when we are hurt, this is still one thing that has always been good.

Until this morning.

This morning, I asked The STBX if she wanted to hear my latest.  She said yes, so I began to read.  I got to a part in my manuscript that I thought was very funny, and she didn't laugh.  It surprised me, because we tend to share the same sense of humor.

I stopped reading, mid-sentence, and waited.

After what seemed like the longest time, The STBX said, "Mmm-hmm."

I pulled my eyes away from my screen and I looked over at her.  What did I see?

She was reading a magazine, and hadn't been listening to anything I'd read.

Wow.

More on Guys Who Chase Fat Chicks

Earlier today, I wrote about Guys Who Chase Fat Chicks.  Well, now I have more to add to the story.  I've been going back and forth on whether to post this, and I finally decided, oh what the hell.  Maybe this will give someone a laugh.

Maybe it will make someone cry or shake their head...  My response has been to do all three.

As I mentioned earlier, I recently posted an ad on Craigslist seeking new platonic friends.  Now, just in case folks are confused on the concept, I included a link so you can look up the definition yourself.

Craigslist uses the following definition:

platonic: transcending physical desire

Okay, so if you looked either of the definitions, you probably understand that I'm looking for just a friendship.  I even went so far as to put down in the ad that I wasn't looking for no-strings-attached sex, a friends with benefits situation, an illicit affair, etc.

I made it pretty darn clear I was not looking for sex in any shape or form.

I also mentioned a list of my likes, once of which included going for a drives in my car.

So, yesterday morning, I got an e-mail from a 32-year-old man who said he was looking for friends.  If I was interested, shoot him a text message.

So I did.

In more or less sequential order, he told me:

1. He's attracted to older women.
2. He's attracted to fat women.
3. He'd like me to take him for a ride in my car.  (So far so good, right?)
4. He'd like me to take him for a ride in my car naked.
5. He'd like to come to my house and get naked.  (Whoa, buddy, didn't you read the memo about the fact that I'm in a relationship and not looking for sex?)
6. He'd like to watch TV naked with me, but I could keep my clothes on.  (As if this makes it any better.)
7. He'd like me to take pictures of him while he is naked.
8. Would I mind terribly if he pleasured himself while I took those pictures?
9. He liked my long hair.  In fact, he liked it so well it made him aroused.  (Okay, he didn't say it that nicely.  Instead he described the state of his organ at that moment.)

I wasn't trying to turn this guy on.  I kept hoping against all hope that he was just being silly or something, so I kept giving him opportunities to straighten up and fly in the friend zone.

The denouement of the conversation?  He sent me a naked picture of himself.  He'd used some sort of photo editing software to paste the phrase, "Waz Up?" across his privates.

Now I will say that this might have had a certain appeal if said 32-year-old was a smooth, hard-bodied stud.  If I were single and he was that stunning, I might have (briefly) considered abandoning my sanity and agreeing to such nonsense.

Sadly, he was not smooth or nicely-muscled.  He was overweight and hairy, sporting a beer gut and a nice set of moobs.  (Man-boobs, for those unfamiliar with the term.)

Umm, yeah.

At the end of the conversation, he tells me he's completely aroused and has to go to work.  He promises to text me in the morning.

Which he does, at 5:17 AM.

It happened that I wasn't asleep, so I texted him back, thinking perhaps he'd settle down a little.  I was wrong, very wrong.

He asked me to send him a picture of my long hair draped across my tits.  I declined, not wanting to become his masturbatory fantasy.  I was already regretting that I'd sent him a picture before realizing what  he was after.

So I again remind him that I'm not interested in a sexual relationship.  

His response?

I know, but would watching me get off be that bad?

I was still polite at this point, even though he probably deserved a slap upside the head.  I told him that it was fine he has his little fetishes, but I didn't want to be the object of them.  Then, I told him I had to go.

His final response?  He apologized saying that he had just thought I could help make some of his fantasies come true.

Gah!

Guys Who Chase Fat Chicks

About a week ago, I put an ad up in the strictly platonic section of Craigslist, looking for new friends.  I wrote a post saying that I was open to male or females, listed some of my interests, and made it clear that I was not looking for any sort of sexual adventures.

My motivation is to increase my circle of friends.  I've never had many friends to begin with, and over time those that I did have moved away.  Knowing that a divorce may well be in my future, I need to create some sort of social network for myself.

I've received a few replies and I've responded to a few platonic ads as well.  I'm finding a trend, though, that I'm not sure what to make of.

First off, it seems that a lot of people don't really understand what the word platonic means, even though they are posting and responding to ads in that section.  I've received a few replies that really seemed to be thinly-veiled and not-so-thinly-veiled solicitations for sex, which I ignored.

Even with the friends I'm starting to make, it seems that sex is not far from anyone's mind.  A few days ago, one of my recently-found texting buddies started drunk-texting me in the middle of the night and wanted me to come over to his house.

I've never met him, I am in a committed relationship, I am morbidly obese, and I'm probably 10-15 years older than he is.  If he was beeping me at one o'clock in the morning, it's pretty clear that he only wanted One Thing.

As bad as it might sound for my character, I don't fault him for wanting that One Thing.  He is, after all, young and male.

I didn't discover his texts until the following morning.  For a moment, I wondered what I would have done if I had been awake.  I'm sure I would have just texted back and forth, teased him a little, and gone back to sleep.

Talk is cheap, and I'll probably never meet this particular texting buddy in person.

Still, I'll admit to briefly imagining running over there.  I would never actually do it, but it was fun to think about for all of about 30 seconds.  I wouldn't follow through because I hate infidelity, and all of my first-time experiences with a new sexual partner have been less-than-wonderful.  They've been awkward, embarrassing, and unsatisfying, so I want to reserve that activity for someone who I know and care about, and who wants something more serious than another notch in his bedpost.

I do have to admit to feeling flattered, though.  The man is gorgeous.  He's tall and fit and oh-so-incredibly-nummy-looking.  In real life, I can't remember the last time anyone (male or female) flirted with me.  Even when I was young, I wasn't pretty, and no one noticed me.

I was a plankton long before I was over 40.

I do wonder if the reason Mr. Gorgeous (and men like him) go after fat women is simply because they are hoping for sex.  If you look on the personal ads, most men are looking for women who are HWP (height-weight proportionate).  I've seen ad after ad where guys say things like, "Sorry, I'm not attracted to overweight women."  If you are a heavy woman, you just don't have all that many choices.

So I wonder, is Mr. Gorgeous looking for thick chicks because he really likes them, or is he looking because he knows that heavy women aren't being asked out by good-looking guys?  If they aren't being asked out, maybe they will be a little bit more likely to put out in the hopes that they'll be able to keep their beautiful date.

I have another long-time male friend who has never wanted a relationship.  His interest in women is confined to FWB (friends with benefits) arrangements.  I get the impression that he's slept with a great many ladies in his day, and he's told me that there isn't a great deal of difference between them when it comes to the actual physical act of intercourse.  He's done it with fat women, thin women, old women and young women, and at the end of the day it's all the same.  He chooses ladies with whom he can have some sort of friendship, and takes it from there.

So if my friend is right and there really is no difference, perhaps Mr. Gorgeous is also aware of this and hopes he'll get luckier quicker with fat chicks because they have fewer options.  Of course he could very well be sincere and looking for a long term relationship.

I don't know.  How do you know what anyone's motivation really is?

Another one of my recently-found Craigslist friends I met in person.  He's a few years older than me and is pretty heavy himself.  He is in a long-distance relationship with a woman.  He was interested in a platonic friendship because he doesn't have much to do after work.  One evening we were texting (I think about weight loss and health) and I made the comment that I was fat.  His response was surprising.  He said, "Fat is beautiful."

I didn't say this, but I thought, "No, it's not."