Thursday, August 16, 2012

More on Guys Who Chase Fat Chicks

Earlier today, I wrote about Guys Who Chase Fat Chicks.  Well, now I have more to add to the story.  I've been going back and forth on whether to post this, and I finally decided, oh what the hell.  Maybe this will give someone a laugh.

Maybe it will make someone cry or shake their head...  My response has been to do all three.

As I mentioned earlier, I recently posted an ad on Craigslist seeking new platonic friends.  Now, just in case folks are confused on the concept, I included a link so you can look up the definition yourself.

Craigslist uses the following definition:

platonic: transcending physical desire

Okay, so if you looked either of the definitions, you probably understand that I'm looking for just a friendship.  I even went so far as to put down in the ad that I wasn't looking for no-strings-attached sex, a friends with benefits situation, an illicit affair, etc.

I made it pretty darn clear I was not looking for sex in any shape or form.

I also mentioned a list of my likes, once of which included going for a drives in my car.

So, yesterday morning, I got an e-mail from a 32-year-old man who said he was looking for friends.  If I was interested, shoot him a text message.

So I did.

In more or less sequential order, he told me:

  1. He's attracted to older women.
  2. He's attracted to fat women.
  3. He'd like me to take him for a ride in my car.  (So far so good, right?)
  4. He'd like me to take him for a ride in my car naked.
  5. He'd like to come to my house and get naked.  (Whoa, buddy, didn't you read the memo about the fact that I'm in a relationship and not looking for sex?)
  6. He'd like to watch TV naked with me, but I could keep my clothes on.  (As if this makes it any better.)
  7. He'd like me to take pictures of him while he is naked.
  8. Would I mind terribly if he pleasured himself while I took those pictures?
  9. He liked my long hair.  In fact, he liked it so well it made him aroused.  (Okay, he didn't say it that nicely.  Instead he described the state of his organ at that moment.)
I wasn't trying to turn this guy on.  I kept hoping against all hope that he was just being silly or something, so I kept giving him opportunities to straighten up and fly in the friend zone.

The denouement of the conversation?  He sent me a naked picture of himself.  He'd used some sort of photo editing software to paste the phrase, "Waz Up?" across his privates.

Now I will say that this might have had a certain appeal if said 32-year-old was a smooth, hard-bodied stud.  If I were single and he was that stunning, I might have (briefly) considered abandoning my sanity and agreeing to such nonsense.

Sadly, he was not smooth or nicely-muscled.  He was overweight and hairy, sporting a beer gut and a nice set of moobs.  (Man-boobs, for those unfamiliar with the term.)

Umm, yeah.

At the end of the conversation, he tells me he's completely aroused and has to go to work.  He promises to text me in the morning.

Which he does, at 5:17 AM.

It happened that I wasn't asleep, so I texted him back, thinking perhaps he'd settle down a little.  I was wrong, very wrong.

He asked me to send him a picture of my long hair draped across my tits.  I declined, not wanting to become his masturbatory fantasy.  I was already regretting that I'd sent him a picture before realizing what  he was after.

So I again remind him that I'm not interested in a sexual relationship.  

His response?

I know, but would watching me get off be that bad?

I was still polite at this point, even though he probably deserved a slap upside the head.  I told him that it was fine he has his little fetishes, but I didn't want to be the object of them.  Then, I told him I had to go.

His final response?  He apologized saying that he had just thought I could help make some of his fantasies come true.


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