New Pants

This morning, I stepped on the scale and saw 219.8 lbs.  That's the lowest I've been since December 2010.

Yay me.

The two pairs of jeans that I've been wearing pretty much constantly don't really fit anymore.  I can put them on and take them off without unbuttoning or unzipping them.  They still stay up, just barely, without a belt.

This morning  decided to try on a pair of pants that a friend bought me years ago, but that didn't fit when she bought them.  This particular pair of pants was two sizes smaller than the pants I've been wearing.

When my friend bought them for me, they were way too small.  I couldn't pull them up over my hips.  This morning, I put them on and zipped them up.  They fit, albeit a little snugly, without major contortions or gut-sucking to get them on.

Another yay me.

So this morning, I went online and bought four more pairs of jeans identical to the ones I've been wearing, but in the size of the pants that fit this morning.  I hope, since sizing can be so different between manufacturers, that they'll fit.

If not, maybe they will serve as motivation.

The place I ordered them from has a generous return policy.  If they just don't fit at all, I can send them back.

.2 Away

This morning, for the second day in a row, I weighed 220.6 lbs.

When I saw it yesterday, I thought it was just a fluke.  This morning, though, seeing it the second day in a row, made me think that it's a real weight.

Sometimes I'll see a weight I like on the scale and it will disappear almost immediately.  I often don't trust the numbers it gives me, unless they stick around are seem to be part of a trent.

But this morning I was 220.6.  That's just .2 away from my lowest weight.

It's just 2.6 lbs away from falling into the BMI range of obese, rather than morbidly obese.

Will I make it this time?

I sure hope so.

Feeling Pressure to Lose Weight

For the first time in my life, I feel real pressure to lose weight.

Now sure, I've felt pressure at times when my mother nagged me about my weight when I was a teen, or when I went to my doctor and was given a lecture.  For the most part, though, the pressure only lasted as long as the lecture.  Once it was over, I didn't worry about it so much.  Sure, at any given point in my life I might or I might not have been on a diet, but I didn't feel all that pressured by it.

Now, I feel pressured.

In roughly 18 months (perhaps less, given the way things are going with the STBX right now) I will be back in the dating game.

I need to do something about my weight, because most people want to date those that are HWP (height-weight proportionate) or slim.  I'm neither of those two things.

As my relationship with the STBX has unraveled.  I've given a lot of thought about what I'm going to look for next.  Though I haven't contacted anyone, I've been trolling the personal ads just to see what's out there.  It seems like all the ads for people that sound interesting are also those who insist on skinny women.

I've been really making a concentrated effort to eat less.  I hope I start seeing some better results soon.

Of course my biggest frustration is this: despite having lost as much weight as I have, I still haven't shrunk out of my clothes.  The pants that were once tight are now very loose, but I'm still not small enough to fit into the next smaller size that I've found in my closet.

I'm trying not to have to buy more clothing.  I'm trying to make do with what I have.  Then I'll buy more when I'm finally at my goal weight.

A Quick Status Update

So this morning my weight was 222.8 lbs.  I'm still tantalizingly close to my low weight, but I just can't seem to budge things.

I'm trying not to worry about it too much; I've got a lot of stressful things going on in my life at the moment.

It dawned on me a couple of days ago that I have less than a year to master a set of job skills that took the STBX probably 25 years to get to the level she's at.  I'm feeling overwhelmed, because I know that's not possible.  I'm trying to pick off the most important things and the low-hanging fruit, and I keep telling myself that her skill set only amounts to about 10-20% of the total workload for my main client.

I'll be okay.  I really will.

I keep telling myself that.

But boy, is it tough to believe it during my low points.

I did get a small spot of good news, though.  I just found out that the contract for my main client has been extended for another year.  It's a huge relief knowing that I won't have to be going through a divorce and worrying about finding a new job or client around the same time.

It's all good.

It's the Little Things that Really Hurt

Although the STBX and I do fight, and sometimes quite a lot, I find that it's not the big blow-ups that really hurt.  Now I'll be the first one to say that I don't like living in a situation where screaming arguments bubble up like a volcano in the middle of our living room.  However, it's not the really huge fights that seem to really hurt.

Big fights tend to clear the air.  Pooled resentments are vented and issues are addressed head-on.  I don't like the fight, but sometimes I feel better afterward.

What hurts more than a fight are the tiny, ego-crushing moments that happen on a daily basis.  These are the things that sting.  These are the things that do more damage to my psyche and to the relationship than anything else.

Today's ego-crushing moment:

In addition to my day job, I am also a writer.  One of the few things left that is still good with The STBX is my writing.  When I finish a piece, I'll share it, and The STBX will give me feedback.  Even when we are fighting, even when we are hurt, this is still one thing that has always been good.

Until this morning.

This morning, I asked The STBX if she wanted to hear my latest.  She said yes, so I began to read.  I got to a part in my manuscript that I thought was very funny, and she didn't laugh.  It surprised me, because we tend to share the same sense of humor.

I stopped reading, mid-sentence, and waited.

After what seemed like the longest time, The STBX said, "Mmm-hmm."

I pulled my eyes away from my screen and I looked over at her.  What did I see?

She was reading a magazine, and hadn't been listening to anything I'd read.

Wow.

A Countdown to Divorce.

Oh good grief.

It's the middle of October already.  How did that happen?  Last time I posted, it was the end of August. How did so much time go by?

Well I'm still wrestling with the same few pounds I was in August.  Down 2, up 1, down 1, up 3.  Frustrating.  I'm hovering in this 6lb window that I can't seem to get out of.  Up, down.  Up, down.

Quite a bit has happened in the last few weeks.

The Wife and I are getting divorced, though I think you already knew that.  She told me this in July.  Then she told me she didn't want a divorce.  Then she did.  Then she didn't, but she couldn't see any alternative.  Two weeks ago, in our therapy session, she took off her ring.

Then she put it back on.

So here's the reality: We are waiting until The Kid's 18th birthday and then one of us will be filing for divorce.

Now I want to say that I don't think The Wife is a bad person.  What I will say is that she's done a great many things both recently and over the years, that make me realize that this relationship isn't sustainable.

So now we are on a countdown to divorce.  Unless something dramatically changes, I expect to be filing for divorce on October 14, 2013.  That's exactly one year from today.

From now on, this blog will be about a great deal more than just weight loss.  It's going to be about transforming my life so that I can be successful and happy.  It will be about living with my STBX (soon-to-be-ex) for a year.

And once the divorce is done, it will be about trying to find true love in my late 40s.

I'm taking a very deep breath.