Thursday, May 9, 2013

How Hypothyroidism Contributed to my Divorce

As I said in yesterday's post, my ex's transsexuality isn't the only reason for our divorce.  Another major contributor was my hypothyroidism.  It created problems, not only while I was ill, but also after I started to feel better.

Prior to diagnosis and treatment, I felt terrible.  I was tired and cold all the time and I didn't have much energy for anything.  The Ex often suggested I was depressed and asked me to get anti-depressants from my doctor.  I did, at least once, but the medication didn't make me feel any better so I stopped taking it.  I'm not depressed, I would insist.  Sometimes The Ex and I would fight about the subject.

I'm sure that my lack of energy made me much less fun to be around.  Of that, there is no doubt.

Hypothyroidism also killed my libido, though that actually turned out to be helping our marriage, though I didn't know it at the time.

Although The Ex and I had (at least what I thought) was a decent sexual relationship in the beginning of our relationship, after the first couple of years our sexual intimacy dwindled.  I'd never had much of a libido anyway, so I didn't think it was a problem.  I actually thought it was a blessing to be with a partner who wasn't demanding sex all the time.

I had (erroneously) assumed that my lack of sex drive was normal.  Turns out, it was directly related to my undiagnosed hypothyroidism.

Fast forward to last summer, when my doctor and I had finally worked out the correct dosage of Armor thyroid.  For the first time in ages, I had energy, I felt good, and I wasn't cold.  Along with my new-found energy, I found another surprise -- my libido came back.

Now one would think that my libido coming back would be a good thing, right?  Well, in the context of my marriage, it wasn't.  The Ex didn't want a lot of sex.  Apparently, sexual activity simply served as a reminder that The Ex's genitals weren't what she wanted them to be.  Although she didn't tell me this until much later, she hated her penis and didn't want to use it.

So our sex life wasn't very satisfactory.  She didn't want it and I did.  That created a lot of conflict in our relationship.

The irony in this has not been lost on me.  One of the biggest complaints that many of my past partners have had about me was my lack of interest in sex.  Now I was suddenly cast into the role of sexually unsatisfied partner, and I didn't much like how it felt.  I wanted to hunt down all my past lovers and apologize.

I didn't.  I figured reaching out to talk to people I hadn't contacted in years wouldn't be good for anyone.  Still, I thought about it a lot, and I had a great deal of empathy and sympathy for those men I unknowingly frustrated all those years ago.  Back in those days, I just thought they were abnormally horny.  I had no way of knowing that I was unusually disinterested.

The ex and I eventually came up with a compromise.  We'd do things that would satisfy me that didn't require her to "perform" in any particular way.  We tried that for a while, but even that felt pretty lousy. It's hard to get real enjoyment or satisfaction from a partner who makes it clear that they really doesn't want to be there.

I mean let's face it, when your partner's attention wanders so much that the vibrator ends up off in the weeds, far away from the pleasure center, it's pretty clear that person isn't interested or attentive.

Our sex life (if you could call it that) came to an official end the first week in October 2012.  The actual end was probably a week or two before that, though the last time we had intercourse was even longer ago.

I don't remember the last time we had intercourse, the last time we kissed, or the last time we expressed any physical affection. I wish I did.  One often doesn't realize something is the last time until long after it happens.

I do remember the last time we tried to kindle some romance.  It was right after The Ex had asked me for a divorce.  We went to an expensive B&B in a town about 100 miles away.  We didn't have intercourse that weekend.  That should have told me something then.

The Ex had said she was willing to try to make it work.  It was already too late at that point, though she wasn't willing to say so.

At one point along the way, The Ex told me that my increased desire for sex is what pushed the desire for a sex change to the forefront.  As long as we weren't having sex, she could ignore her unwanted penis.  Once I had a libido again, that unwanted dangling bit of flesh was getting far too much attention.

So somehow, mysteriously, it became my fault that The Ex wanted a lop-a-dick-tomy.

But in the end, I think my hypothyroidism had a lot to do with it.

I can't help but wonder if I'd still be fat (but married) if I hadn't gotten my thyroid treated.

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