This weekend, The Wife and I are going to be getting together with a former co-worker. He recently got in touch with us after probably six years of no contact, so we invited him up for a visit.
Although I will be glad to see him, there's a part of my that doesn't want to visit.
Part of me doesn't want to see him because I'm embarrassed to let someone I've lost touch with see just how enormously obese I've become. Part of me doesn't want to see him because his visit will include eating, and even though I'm perpetually on a diet, I always feel like I am being judged by what goes into my mouth.
An old high school buddy recently found me online, and I've been reluctant to visit with her for the same reason.
Last night, my father called and wanted to go out for hamburgers. I split a cheeseburger with The Kid, and still felt like a fat pig. Even though I had half a burger, two onion rings and maybe five french fries, I still felt disgusting. I had counted calories, and I was well within my limits for the day, but I felt gross.
The cheeseburger, by the way, was delicious. I just felt like I should go walk on the treadmill for two hours to make up for it.
So every time someone says, "let's go out for coffee" or "let's go out to eat," I just want to run away, find a hole and die.
It's not that I don't like hanging out with people. It's just that being on a diet (again) makes me even more self-conscious about my weight. Being on a diet makes me feel anti-social, even though I like people and I like having friends.
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